When Everything Grows
In the two months since Hannah was born the garden is now coming up with little effort. The pigs and meat birds are growing plump on grain and milk and scraps. Mostly, though, I notice that the baby that is my first born is now twelve and looking nearly like a full grown man. I notice that these days of homeschool and chores and little ones are so very full and go by so very fast.
All of this growing feels great and hard all at the same time and stands in sharp contrast to just a couple of months ago…
Just before Hannah was born I wrote a post titled “When Everything Dies”. It was filled with the long list of everything that we lost this past year in garden and orchard and various other areas of our lives. I try to share things like that from time to time so that this little highlight reel called the internet doesn’t paint it all through rose-colored glasses. But I never published that post. That is often the way with these things; something too close and too raw needs time, I guess.
Just before I got pregnant with Hannah, we had a very early miscarriage that I, for the most part, kept to myself. I realize that this is very common and that it being my only experience with such an occurrence that we are in fact quite blessed as these things go. We also give thanks to the Lord in His giving as well as His taking away as the Lord works all things for our good, and I am grateful for those things He taught us through it.
But it was rather shocking somehow to me and that shock sort of came with me into Hannah’s pregnancy and I experienced a fear of birth like I’d never known before. I wrestled with this all throughout her pregnancy and had to lay it at the feet of our Lord over and over again. On the Lord’s Day before her birth (when I actually thought we had a couple more weeks until her arrival), the Lord just gave me peace in the midst of one of those prayers.
And two days later she was born in what was the fastest and easiest birth I have ever known.
I don’t know exactly why I am sharing this with you all except that I want you to know the mercy of our Lord. That He met me in what was one of the darkest spiritual times I have had since He called me to Himself. That He knew my faith was weak and allowed me to come to Him over and over again with the cry to help mine unbelief. That in all of that He had such compassion and pity; that He is mighty to save even the vilest of us sinners and full of compassion and pity for His children.
And then I posted this on our blog’s facebook page yesterday:
Can I be really honest with you guys for a minute? I don’t fit the mold of most of the moms-of-many that I have met. Organized, efficient, take charge, pulled-together, that’s what they all are… and then there is me. I’m just no good at this, I tell Stewart through a few misty tears when he asks me how I’m doing. He is forever trying to help me, that sweet man.
As is usually the case, I somehow let being a mama to six sneak up on me. Four in homeschool, one thundering toddler, and sweet baby Hannah who always wants to be in Mama’s arms has been catching up with me. I feel like the mama who always says no; who always says get back to your school; who is forever asking if they finished their chores. I have been overwhelmed and was starting to worry that this was rubbing off on them and they were having zero fun.
And then I went out to see what they were up to on an afternoon break. Hannah and I walked out to our dirt road to find these big boys not only on their new bikes but helping their sisters ride the little girl bike, too. And they were beaming, every single one of them, even after some seriously intense fraction multiplication and sentence diagramming that afternoon.
I am still a bit overwhelmed, but at least now I know they are having some fun.
P.S. Am I the only one who never remembers diagramming sentences as a child?
***
The reality is not always pretty. Things go undone, I come undone, and summer and the post-summer recovery are often a catalyst in all of it. This past summer, being pregnant and then having a newborn I realized something. I broke down a few times at the end of a long, hot day, wondering how I might make it through a 100-degree labor. (Note the short, easier labor on one of the coolest days we had in July.)
When those tears would come and my sweet husband would ask what was wrong, I stopped saying “It’s just hot”. Instead, not even deliberately, I started saying what I really realized: “I am just weak”.
When the gardens completely withered, when my faith faltered, when I battled fear, when I fail at my motherly duties, when it all looks like I can not possibly do the thing set before me, I remember something I have read again and again in the writings of A.W. Pink: “Man’s extremity is God’s opportunity”.
And this verse: “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 1 Corinthians 12:9
Thank God for the blood of Christ; that in Him it is finished, and that we can fully and completely rest in His righteousness and sufficiency. Where would I be otherwise?
So beautiful, so encouraging, so well written, so inspired, I could go on … Your blog made my day
I like when you open up about your struggles, although I understand how scary it must feel to do so on a public platform as this. However, it’s validating that even people with deeper commitments to God’s work than I have made, also struggle. I am grateful to you for this post and will be spending some time with this verse. Blessings to your family.
Shannon , your children , in years to come will look back on their childhood with joy . You have given them your all , & they are blessed . I regret being a strict mother , ( my husband being away at sea ) , but now they are so loving & caring , yours will also remember you with gratitude .
Dear “Sweet” Shannon
I Love the way you Love the Lord,
And I Love You.
Cynthia
Oh man did I need to hear this tonight!! I am not a mom, called to be single and unable to have kids, living to serve the Lord – but not having to take care of anyone but myself. But 10 years ago when my mom became ill with Alzheimer’s I gladly came home to live and care for her. Now my father is in the same position (mom and dad were divorced) and am spending my days caring for him and know that soon he will need to move in with me. I have been overwhelmed with this, feeling like it will never end. I have been ill myself and some days feel like I don’t have the strength to go on. But you post has encouraged me and blessed me. I love the scripture and the quote. I am going to write both on a post it note to post on my mirror to see it every day! Thank you for being so transparent and sharing how wonderfully God meets you.
Love!
I appreciate your honesty (and also your lovely writing). Thank you.
Wow. Thank you Shannon for your honesty and sharing sincerely with us here in this latest post. I too and facing similar difficulties in my life right now and it gives me soo much hope hear how you have dealt with your struggles and have been able to find hope thru it all. I too, know the Lord but there is no magic wand to wave when you’re neck deep in despair. Thank you for giving me a generous dose of hope that I am confident will help me to overcome and get to the other side. The quote and scriptures are perfect! God Bless You my dear sister in Jesus!!
I needed to hear these words. To be reminded that we are loved with all our imperfections. Faith, Hope and Love.
Oh, now you went and made me cry.
It’s real… Life and discouragement… But God is faithful. I am also thankful that I know the One to turn to… And often think.. Oh my, what would I do without Jesus. He is the anchor for our soul. My children are grown and gone, but realize how He gave me strength to carry on… Supernatural strength. I am amazed as I look back, and see His provision.. Am Thankful. You are also sharing His love and faithfulness…and experiencing His power to met our needs.. When we don’t even realize what they are…God Bless. Thank you for lifting Him up..
Hi fellow mama. I am mother to eight and am continually blessed by you. May blessings heap on your head!
Shannon, I am so glad and grateful I came upon your post. I read God’s word and commentary each morning. Which usually leads me to Google a phrase for further study, as it happened this morning, and how I found your post. Your honest and transparent writing was so what I needed and touched my heart deeply. I just wanted to let you know that your writing did this for me. May God continue to bless and keep you and your family in all His ways. Gratefully, Sharon