Letting Them Help
Sometime early last year – before Hannah was born – I started doing something with the children that has kind of changed my life. I don’t throw phrases like that around a lot, but sometimes small decisions really do change the course of your days. This was one of them.
For years I had struggled with mom guilt about asking the children to do chores. Mentally I knew it was good for them to help. Mentally I knew it was benefiting them, as well as the rest of the family, to contribute and have to do hard things sometimes. And good grief, it’s nothing like some of the work I read of in history books.
Still, the guilt.
And then my Dad came to visit. He grew up on a dairy farm and milked 50 cows twice a day starting at the age of eight. Yes, my parents are of a much tougher generation than I. Anyways, I was trying to catch up on dishes while making a meal and holding a baby on a hip and he just said “Why don’t you let them wash some of these?“.
I mumbled something about them playing with Grandpa while they have a chance and he just shrugged his shoulders, but it impacted me. That and the fact that both of my parents, independently, commented on how tired I looked.
Hmmm…
After that, and a few nudges from Stewart, I realized it was okay to let them help with dishes, laundry, sweeping, cleaning, etc. on a daily basis. That, in and of itself, was a game-changer. But what really transformed our week was deciding to let them deep clean the house once a week. Okay, deep clean is a stretch but all of the dishes and counters and surfaces and floor are done, laundry is put away, and things actually go to zero in preparation for the Lord’s Day. It allows me to catch up on actual deep cleaning or organizing or school books, mending, and gardening… or actually breathing just a little.
And no guilt. None.
In the end, I think what freed me from the guilt is two things: 1.) There are a lot of things I do that they can’t: feed babies, teach reading, check school books, make meals, and move into this new phase of motherhood called I-don’t-have-to-do-everything because I have older children who are very capable and management is key. 2.) I came up with a theory that may or may not be reasonable: so long as I’m getting up earlier than them (usually), working later than them (usually), and generally working alongside them, it seems reasonable to let them take on some of the workload.
That theory could definitely be flawed; let me know.
And if you come over Saturday night, please know that is not representative of the norm. Usually our house looks much more like eight of us living in 700 square feet.
I congratulate you. Very late in life I realized that is good for children to help us at home. I have 2 grown ups (33 and 31), and they very rarely helped. But my 16 years old daughter was teached from an early age to help about the house: feeding the dogs, drying dishes, hanging the laundry, etc. I feel that I’m preparing her better than her siblings for life. That may be because I was 45 when she was born, and I had more experience.
Yes! I had to discover the same principle as I aged. I did not do many chores as a kid – my mom wanted everything done to perfection so she did it herself – so when I had kids it never occurred to me to get them to help much around the house, beyond maybe cleaning up their toys. I remember when my oldest child was about 10, her best friend had to do a lot of cleaning such as vacuuming and mopping the floors, and I thought wow! That’s really mean – why doesn’t her mother do it? Shortly after that, I had our fourth child, and caring for four children whom I was also homeschooling, and doing all the household chores, AND starting up a new homestead, completely burned me out and I ended up with pretty severe adrenal fatigue and CFS. We moms may be willing to do it all (God bless us) but in actual reality, we can’t. I certainly couldn’t.
Several years later I am almost recovered from my breakdown. One big change in our lifestyle I have made, is that it’s everyone’s job to keep the house clean. Every morning we have a set clean up time. I put on music. One kid does the dishes, one sweeps, one cleans up the school room, etc. They also have some tidying to do in the afternoon after school is done. Also, it’s my 20 year old’s job to keep the bathrooms clean – I don’t do it at all. I am still working harder than everyone when you count all the cooking and baking and laundry I do on a daily basis. The kids still have more free time than I do. So I don’t feel guilty in the slightest. I am glad to hear that you don’t feel guilty either!
By the way, I am currently reading the book Farmer Boy with my 7 year old. Almanzo used to work as hard as a man at the age of NINE, plowing the field from dawn till dusk in spring time, only stopping to eat. Today, if we asked our kids to work that hard they would likely be taken away from us. But surely we can ask them to do the dishes and mop the floor?
Another book which really opened my eyes to how hard kids can work is Little Britches by Ralph Moody, also the next book, Man of the Family. Same thing, at age 9 the little boy in that book was working like a man to help support his family. By age 13 he WAS supporting his family. Amazing. We don’t give children nearly enough credit in today’s society.
You continuously put my thoughts into words.
Thank you!
This is excellent!! Thank you!! I’ve been experiencing the same thing with my three sons and have realized that they feel incredibly manly when I depend on them. Not usually at the moment, and less with some chores than others but it contributes to security in our home (I’m needed) and confidence (I can do this) and gives them outlet for energy with a satisfying return. Also, I tell them their wives will think they are wonderful someday if they help around the house!
I can share from an opposite perspective…I grew up in a family of 9 children, and we were all expected to help out with ALL chores (inside & out…we had a small 40-acre farm & large gardens) and the household baking fell to us as well when we came of age. It is quite necessary, especially in larger families, for the children to help, and I learned independence & many skills at a young age that has benefitted me more than words can say. My upbringing was priceless to me. It helped give all us kids confidence and a role to play in “family”. And kept us out of trouble many times. =) Today, I have a brother that has 10 children, he is raising his kids in a similar way, and I have to say I have never met any other children who are as confident, grounded, competent, intelligent and resourceful. It is a blessing to the children to teach them how to work. Good job, mama!
Ive read in Christian parenting books that parents are responsible from a young age to raise a child to become an independent adult. It helps to have this goal of an independent adult in mind. While you might say hold off until the teen years, some people really don’t have that chance anymore for various reasons. I think there may be an issue when a child is not taught how to rest. My mother was raised on a farm which has made her very successful at work but her health has suffered because she refuses to rest on Sunday or when needed.
It is a lot of work to teach a child and start to observe their particular bent. One of my favorite posts was when your son built his own fence to his own garden. And the girls holding chicken feet! And harvesting sweet potatoes! With all the exciting things going on everybody should know how to do everything as soon as possible. If you get run down trying to do all the work we will miss out on the beauty you share. If they don’t know how to wash the dishes and clean the floor they can’t do the more exciting stuff like cooking dinner! Yay! Then they can publish a cookbook!